It's all clear now

Well, my friends, it has been an interesting year so far. 

My final semester was one that did not go at all as I had planned. Just so I don't keep you here forever, I am going to give you some highlights below:

Bad: 

• My final semester was not at all as I planned, and it wore me out emotionally, physically, and spiritually. 
• Some friendships that I had that I considered to be very close fizzled away, leaving me wondering what happened. 
• Standing as an outsider of those friendships open my eyes to injustices I hadn't seen previously, causing me to evaluate how I treat people and listen to my peers. 
• I applied to nearly a dozen churches, and got 6 strong "no's", 3 "no replies" and 2 which almost worked out. One of those became a huge disappointment as I was so, so close. 

Good: 

• One of my best friends moved back to the state, and as a result we became more close than we had ever been. 
• Because of the bad friendships and reevaluating my life, some strained friendships have become a lot better (not the ones above unfortunately, however, with time there is healing). 
• I finally saved up enough to put a big chunk down on a car that won't break down every time I blink. (His name is Finn, like from Star Wars. I regret nothing)
• I live in a beautiful home, and frankly its better than I deserve. Plus, my roommate is awesome. 

But the biggest thing that has happened, has begun in the last few months. 

In March, I applied for only one thing that did not involve children's ministry. That job was as a first grade teacher at a private Christian school in the area. To say that I wasn't crazy about this position was an understatement. First, I did not want to stay in a classroom everyday all day, and second it was a position which was making much less than I would have liked. On the outside, I told people it could be cool, but on the inside I thought "This isn't really for me. I wasn't meant to teach full time. I am not good enough for something like this." Well, I was officially offered that position in the next month, and I accepted. From the moment I signed the contract, to buying supplies, and from looking at the curriculum, my mind was riddled with anxiety. I gave myself to fear nearly daily. The entire summer was planning to the point of insanity. (I mean anyone who looked at my Pinterest board can see I went a little crazy. haha) 

My first day on the job was just last week. That Monday I was expecting to get to know my coworkers, get most if not all of my questions answered, and that I would get to set up most of my classroom that first day. The exact opposite happened. Because of construction, I couldn't access most of my room. So I could not set up really anything. Because we weren't technically required that day, most teachers didn't show up, so I only met one (!) other staff member. I found out I did some paperwork wrong and as a result all of my other questions had to be put on the back burner. As a result, I weeped over the phone to my bestie, and felt 100% defeated. I said multiple times that day that I think I made another mistake in my career planning. When I got home, I prayed. I prayed that God would soothe my weary soul. That he would show me that I was doing the right thing. My talk with Tara and Tyler helped a lot, and then the next day was better. The day after that was even better than the day before. But still, in the back of my mind I wondered. What if I was making a mistake? I learned to put on a good mask of showing that I thought I knew what I was doing.

Then today happened. 

It was the first day with my students. I woke up with a nervous/excited energy. I got ready meticulously making sure I looked the part of a teacher. As I drove the twenty minute drive, I thought about the kids and whether or not I would be an effective educator. I felt like I was being thrown to the lions den (if lions were 12 first graders, which lets be honest, sometimes its hard to tell between the two) and I felt more and more fear the closer I got to the school. But when I pulled up, my boys (what I affectionately call my two best guy friends) were waiting in the parking lot with my favorite coffee and breakfast item. They offered encouragement and nearly brought me to tears. ( I'm actually crying a little now writing this out) I got text, after text throughout the day wishing me good luck. I called multiple people back thanking them. I went to my university to pick up something after work and was asked multiple times about my day by various staff and professors. But the biggest surprise was when the first child walked in my door. It was like a switch went off in my head. Of course this was the job for me. There was literally no other place I wanted to be at that moment. The 10 years of pain, feeling useless and like I wasn't where God wanted me to be dissipated immediately when that little girl walked in my door. Now, I obviously have never been married, but I can finally understand when people say you just "know" about something. I knew this was without a doubt why I was created. 

God has blessed me beyond measure, and it baffles me. I kept thinking of a story in the bible. It was when Mordecai was talking to Esther and he told her perhaps she was queen for "such a time as this". Now, I will never be royalty, nor will I ever have to make a decision to save an entire people group, but I understand now why Mordecai would say something like that. God weaved my path the way he did for such a time as this. It was not an easy road, but goodness, it was what I needed. Almost my entire adult life did not make sense until today. God placed the right people, at the right time, in the right place for something for me that is way too good to imagine. I am grateful for the friends who have stuck behind me through this, but I am even more grateful for a God who cares for someone just as small as I am. For you still waiting to find your place, its there, but it won't be where you expect it. It won't be easy, nor sometimes will it feel right, but it will click. All the pain, heartache and strife will be worth it. God will meld your passions and talents with His purpose and the only thing you can do is just sit in stunned silence by the wonderfulness of His grace. 

Thank you for reading this. I would love to hear from you about your journey in finding the right place for you, even if you haven't found it yet. I also promise to try and post more on here. 

Natalie 

I'm walking when?!

I was taking my government issued 15-minute break on the last day of my summer job a couple weeks ago.  I chose to sit in one of my favorite spots, the balcony in the gym. It’s the highest point on our campus, and I love sitting up there because honestly most people overlook it.  It’s just quiet enough to feel like you’re alone, but you can still be part of the action if people show up. It’s an ambiverts dream.

All I could think up there was that I am graduating very soon. 9 months or 263 days to be exact; this is the same amount of time as a pregnancy. Except instead of giving birth to a child, I am receiving a diploma and given an extraordinary amount of debt and memories.

As I was sitting I started picturing my graduation. I closed my eyes and imagined the stage set up, my professors lined up, and myself sitting, preferably right in the middle so I don’t miss any of the action. I imagined them calling my name, giving my plans of what is to come. I was already saying in my head “you can’t cry. Don’t cry”.  I pictured the end of the ceremony and hugging my best friend and her saying “you did it love”.  I thought of the endless pictures, hugs and “I’ll miss you” that will be to come.  So many memories to be made and my daydreaming isn’t even touching the surface of what is to come.

Flash forward to now. I am in my second week of classes already. My schedule has been fine-tuned and I am already surrounded in enough homework assignments to keep me busy until December. I have only slightly resorted to my introverted tendencies, but my personality can only be locked up for so long. But the biggest thing that has been happening is the reality of my imminent graduation. I know I am going to leave this amazing group of people and staff and join the “real world” again.

This reality has smacked me pretty hard in the face. What was dream of graduation has become an almost nightmare. Already I have received many questions about what I am doing post-graduation. I am being asked where I am going to live, will it be with roommates, where will I work, am I going back to my hometown or staying here and who I see after this is all said and done. As a person who has dealt with anxiety issues since their youth, this doesn’t sit well with me. I have already found myself freaking out over the future. I couldn’t even fill out my intent to graduate form because that meant it was the beginning of the end. It’s like having a healed wound but being afraid to take off the bandaid.

Most of my anxiety is coming from a lack of trust in the God who made me and my plans. In my head I know that God has me. I’ve seen evidence of it. I have received several phone calls/emails/texts this past summer about job opportunities that may or not be waiting for me in May. But it’s the not knowing part that scares me the most. I am a person of order. I plan even when spontaneous events happen (just ask my friends. I have plans for everything). In my heart, I feel anxious; I want to know what to do.  But I don’t think it’s my heart, or gut or whatever you want to call it. It’s Satan, trying to pull me away from the wild and steadfast love of God. I have to trust in God and tell Satan to back off. I am reminded of this:

“For great is your love toward me,

    You have delivered me from the depths of the grave.”

                                                                                                       Psalm 86:13

The same God who holds my plans and your plans, and our lives is the same God who pulled us from the deepest darkest depths of our sin to give us a life in heaven we don’t deserve, and me worrying about what is going to happen 8 ½ months from now is nothing in the grand scheme of things. I need to be in the present, living a life that God has called me to and to love his people.

I have 245 days. I used to think of that time as a sentence. Now I need to think of it as a challenge. My challenge is to show as much love, grace, and compassion as possible on this campus. It’s to be as present as possible, not worrying about what is to come because I know God has it under control. 245 days seems like a long time, but I know it’ll pass by quickly. Why not make the most of the days in which we are given? I hope that you will make the most of the time given to you friends. We are not here for long, but we can make the most impact being the best that Christ has asked us to be.

That’s all for now!

Natalie 

All The Single Ladies

Welcome back!

Ladies, this post is for you. I have been learning a lot in these last few years about what it means to be single. If I am honest and transparent with you, it has been a long and frankly bad process.  At 26, there were more often or not days I have felt like a failure because I didn’t have my life together. In the last five years I am ashamed to admit that I had felt like a failure enough to not thrive.

Obviously, I was physically here, and in these last five years, I have developed amazing friendships and have made memories that I hope to never forget. However, in the last couple days I thought, what would happen if I had really been 100% devoted to living rather than just getting by? For the past year, I gave up myself. I surrendered to God the one thing that was holding me back from truly living, and that was my pride. Pride kept me from enjoying everyday, and in that I learned some incredible lessons. I made a list of what I learned the other day, and I would like to share that with you now.

1.  No, you don’t have to be 21 and married. This was a tough one for me. If you remember in one of my first posts on here, I wrote about how I thought something was wrong with me because I wasn't married or in a relationship. My thought process was very toxic. But you know what I have learned since that post? It doesn't matter if you are married by a certain age, because if it’s the right guy, it doesn't matter if you are 18 or 48; what matters is where your heart is. If it is not central to Christ, then you have no place taking one of His children down the aisle and making a half-hearted covenant with him. No matter how much you THINK you love that man. Right now, all I can do is love Jesus with my whole heart. If a guy decides to come along with the same mindset, then that is awesome. If not, I am still able to be effective to the Kingdom.

2. Yes you can live on your own. This really can happen. As I am preparing to finish up school in the next year, I can tell you looking for home/apartments can be scary. Its honestly terrifying going out on your own and thinking that when you move into that place that your dream husband won’t be there. In fact, when I was first started to look, I thought I was getting panic attacks because of the thought of becoming a crazy cat lady or something. But, there is a slight freedom that comes from living on your own, and one day you will enjoy the peace that comes from getting to watch whatever you want on television, listen to whatever music, and not having to worry about picking up after people. Now, when I look for places, I get excited.

3.  You should absolutely live your life while “waiting”.  No great love story started with a woman who was to herself in the sense that she wasn't really living life. The only thing close I have read like that was about a vampire and a human, and that is the most ridiculous story I have ever read (and unfortunately liked for many years until I came to my senses). No, most times when I have talked to people about how they fell in love, the girl was living life to the point where the guy had to be in on the secret of her happiness. Now, this does not mean doing what you want to do in order to obtain a man, what I mean is you should be so wrapped up in living that when a guy comes along to sweep you off your feet that you think of it as the icing on the cake of life.  A man will not bring you happiness or fulfillment and it is selfish if you are getting into a relationship for that reason. It's not fair to him, and it isn't fair to you. Because if he disappoints you, who are you going to turn to?  That is a harsh truth, but I needed to hear it, and you might too.

It also means surrendering your life to Christ. Think of the verse in John 10:10, where Jesus says,  “ The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. I have come so you can live life, and live it to the fullest.” Notice, the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. That means he will try and steal your thoughts, kill your joy and destroy your hope. Give your heart to Christ, and give it fully and you find that voice of lies getting smaller and smaller. I had to learn this. I let Satan take my joy daily because I believed his lies of that I would never be good enough for anyone. But one day I got sick of it. I was sick of the pain of not feeling like I had anyone who liked me because I wasn't “cool” enough.  I decided to stop being self-concerned and shy and put my heart on the line. I started opening myself up to people and the result was that I have developed incredible relationships. In fact one of those people had been trying for years to be my friend, but I was the one being stubborn about getting to know her, and I regret it! She has become one of my best friends.

4.  Yes, you can say no to a date, no matter how long you've been single.  I was talking with one of my best friends the other day about this. We were talking about past relationships and I mentioned that some people have asked me out on this campus, which immediately sent an array of questions. I didn't mind answering them, but it made me think.  I didn't want to date them, and for several of the guys that asked me, I didn't tell anyone that they had asked me. But what if I had told people that I had. Would they tell me that I should say yes? It’s just a date how bad could it be? Well, call me old fashioned, but I am not a serial dater. I never have been. I am not one of those people who will say yes to anyone. I have to like them. Like, like them like them. (Note the Lizzy McGuire reference here folks).  I think we have hit a mindset in society now where we have to date whomever only because we are single and we need to “live a little”.  I partially blame television series like Friends for that reason. But that's not living, that's just gambling. We need to make the right choices when it comes to dating. That means being choosy. And you should be picky girls! Trust your instincts! If you don’t want to date him, don’t. Don’t ever do the sympathy date. That is a waste of time on both of your parts. I am so glad I didn't date those guys. If I do get married, I want to be able to look at my husband and know that I didn't weed through a ton of jokers to get to the prize.

5. Your friends are not your boyfriend.  This was a hard pill for me to swallow. I had a tendency to be very clingy to my friends. This was especially true if the friend was a boy.  Not physically, but emotionally. I made them fill the void that I thought a boyfriend would. It wasn't until I took a step back when I realized the only person who could take away the void of loneliness was Christ. He is truly the only one who is going to take away the pain and anxiety of life.

With that said, I do believe that you can be friends with a guy. I do believe you can even be best friends with a guy. But what you need to do is give the entire relationship to God. DO NOT go into the friendship with the mindset that you could make him your boyfriend eventually. 9 out of 10 times that will lead to heartache. Trust me. Pray continuously for God to guard both of your hearts. Pray that Christ will be center in your friendship. Keep each other accountable. Do not put yourself in a situation where you can compromise your integrities. And most importantly, define your friendship with other often. This will help a lot. I can say this from experience girls, as one of my best friends is a guy. *Understand that being best friends with him has a price however, because one day he will get married, and its his wife that is his new best friend. That doesn't mean you can't be friends with him, but the relationship will shift. 

6. Finally, don’t be discouraged if you still aren't in a relationship. God is working on you. You don’t have to be perfect to be in a relationship, but you do have to trust that the God that made you has far better plans than what you could ever imagine. He hasn't left you this far; he won’t let you down now. Keep living your life girly.  You are awesome, and one day some guy will see that.

I am heading off now. But I hope that you learned something today. Mostly that you are worth far more than you think.

My word of 2015

Five years ago a dear friend of mine let me in on a tradition that she and her family do every year. That tradition is picking a word for the year to help guide them to complete goals and to grow in their relationship to God. I fell in love with the idea and so since she told be about this, I have done this challenge. last year my word was "more". I chose it because I wanted to do more than what I was doing before. I wanted to be more of a friend, more outgoing, and more of what God has called me to be. Because of that I have built incredible friendships, grown closer to God, and have had opportunities that I never would have had had I continued to keep to myself like I had in the past.  

As this New year approached I found myself dumbfounded as to what word I should do for 2015. As you remember in my last update, I was given many opportunities on campus to be a leader. One of those was traveling on the summer recruitment team. I had my whole summer planned out already. I even had my packing list ready and revised. However sometimes life doesn't work out the way you planned. In a whirlwind of events, which were no one persons particular fault, my summer plans were thwarted and I was removed from said team. It was one of those crazy circumstances where I did nothing wrong, but by a series of clerical errors, I was given a job that I shouldn't have had in the first place. It was devastating nonetheless.  It was a tough transition going back to not having summer plans or one of my dream jobs. I was left again wondering what I would do for the summer. Thoughts of the future kept creeping up and choking me. I was freaking out not knowing what I was going to do. God gently reminded me however that I don't need to know everything I am going to do, but that I need to trust Him. Through that reminder, I was given the idea for my word this year. That word is Trust.  

I need to trust in God's plan for me for the future whether that is ten minutes from now or ten years. I need to trust that He understands the desires of my heart and has a plan far better than my own. I need to trust in him being unfailing. But most of all, I need to trust in whatever God has in store for me is being made perfect, and that takes time. So I must be patient with that. Adding to the theme for the year, my friend decided she was going to add a symbol as well. So, for my symbol of the year, I chose an anchor. I picked that because just like how an anchor refuses to let a ship drift, God has given me anchors in my life to help keep me on my toes in relationship with Him. The verse that I chose is found in Psalms. It is in the ninth chapter and it says: 

                                        "Those who know your name trust in you,

                                        for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you."

                                                                                                                         (Psalm 9:10 NIV, 1984)

The future is terrifying. That is especially true for myself as I like to have every detail planned out a head of time. But trust in the God who made you to not let you down. You may not see what the future holds, but you have a creator who does, and He will steer you in the right direction. You only have to let him. Allow me to encourage you in finding a word this year, or even a verse. Write it down, pin it somewhere where you will see it often. If you are using a symbol to help you remember it, make that symbol your background on your phone or computer so you are reminded. Memorize a verse to go with it. if you do decide to do a word/verse/ symbol for the year, I would love to hear about it. Comment down below.  

Until next time,

Natalie 

It's been too long!

Hello Friends!

The last time I wrote a serious post, it was about rejection. My, my, my has a lot changed since then! Back then, I was a mess. I had no idea who my friends were anymore, I had bad self-esteem and confidence and I did little with my walk for Christ. I wrote that in February of 2013. This is what has happened since then:

I have been able to keep some important friendships and build new, amazing ones. In fact, they are some of the best people I have ever met, and I can't wait to be friends with them for a very long time after I graduate. (You know who you are). I have had amazing, incredible opportunities to glorify God through being a leader on campus. I am a resident assistant, and very recently became part of the summer travel team for the school (the very one I wrote about 20 months ago). I began my internship in Children's ministry on Sunday of last week, and I love it! Top that with 15.5 credit hours of my second to last semester in school, d-group, a job (or two), and being able to build relationships with the people I get to see everyday, this introvert is exhausted! But I wouldn't trade it for the world. In fact, it makes those times alone even sweeter. I even got over the whole not being in a relationship turmoil I had.

Last night however was one of the first nights in a long time where I didn't feel that way. I got to have two hours of uninterrupted introvert time while I did laundry on campus, so I walked my way over to my favorite spot on campus. Its a bench swing that faces one of our tiny lakes on campus and treeline. Its under a beautiful old oak tree and it is almost always quiet. It's perfect. While I was there,  I started thinking not of what I was going to do next on my schedule (which is typically what comes to mind), but of what my future would be like. I have heard of several opportunities coming up in the next year after I graduate that would be exactly what I wanted and around the people I care about. I wanted it so bad, and it sent me into a spiral of overthinking.

I thought about if I was going to be able to glorify God in my future ministry and my life. Then that made me think of where that ministry is going to be. Will it be here where I want in the comforts of Florida, a place I have known my whole life, or somewhere else where it snows and I have to deal with actual seasons? And what does that mean for me as far as a relationship? Will I be working solo or with a man I would trust my life on? Do I even have time for one of those kind of relationships right now? Am I even doing enough right now for God? (As an ISTJ on the Meyers Briggs personality test, the answer to that for me is always no, I could be doing so much more. I suggest looking that up to see what I am talking about).

It became too much, I began stressing out, praying to God that he would just lay out my plans before me. It was like I wanted him to put it in my calendar so I could know what I should do. I prayed that I would be effective in bringing people to His kingdom. I prayed for clarity in decisions and mostly I prayed for peace in knowing He has me. As I looked up after that prayer, I saw the only star visible in the gloomy night sky. I am not exaggerating when I say it was the brightest and most beautiful star I had ever seen. As I watched it, I felt peace, and it was like God was saying why do you worry girl? Don't you know I have you? Didn't I promise to never leave you or forsake you? And then I remembered the verse in Isaiah where it says:
              "For your thoughts or not my thoughts, and neither are your ways, my ways.
               Thus declares the LORD. " (55:8)
I thought again about that star. I could only see the one, but did that mean that the other ones weren't there? Of course not. I was just not able to see it. Just like I am not seeing God's plan as to where I am going to go after I get my degree, but that doesn't mean that His plan isn't there. I just need to trust him and to be present in the present. I need to be there for the people who need me and to work hard in glorifying God in whatever I do.

I don't know where you are right now in your journey with Christ. If you're in the same boat as me, take heart, you're not alone. If you are in a place of peace, reach out to those you know aren't, your words will help, honest. I still don't know where I am going to be in the next year, but I do know that the God who made me will not let me fail, and I need to let him open the doors. I just have to trust, knowing that I don't have to know everything and that He has me.

Thanks for reading friend,

Natalie

Rejection

Rejection sucks. Especially when coming from something close to you.

Twice recently I have encountered serious rejection. One being less harsh than the other, but both leaving me thinking the same thing: Is my personality the reasoning for my rejection?

The first rejection happened last week. I had applied to be on a summer team with the college I attend. I would travel as a representative of the school and serve kids at various camps. I was pretty excited after my interview. In fact I was fairly sure I had it. I joked right after the initial application process that I wouldn’t get it, but my thoughts were “why wouldn’t they take me? I am a hard worker. I don’t get in trouble here, I am a pretty good person, and I REALLY want this.” But you know what rejection did? Slapped reality in my face. It reminded me how not awesome I really thought I was. I didn’t get the job. I hoped when I promised myself I wouldn’t. I planned my summer around something that I had no guarantee in getting, and everything got screwed up. 

At first, I blamed others for not choosing me. I was angry, hurt, and I lashed out. Not at the people that were chosen, but the ones who actually made the decision process. I couldn’t even walk by the office without feeling hurt. I was blaming myself for waiting so long to go to school, that I was too old to do a team like that. My thoughts shifted that maybe my introversion was the reason, or my work ethic, or various other things, which paved the way for terrible thoughts. I found myself randomly getting heated when someone even mentioned the team name. About the injustice of the choosing process, I even kept the letter in front of me for an entire day just to remind myself that my purpose of going to this school was not for the school but for me to become equipped for ministry. I made another promise. This time keeping myself from helping here, to focus 100% on where people actually wanted my help. I’m not like that so much anymore since last week, but at times that mean thought will pop in my head. It’s bad, I know. I’m working on it.

My second rejection was less than 24 hours ago, and it was a different but similar situation. Through much frustration in the last couple days with someone, I was feeling like they really didn’t like me. There was constant bickering, mean words were spoken to me the minute I stepped foot in a room, and the constant belittling from the other person had finally taken its toll on me. It caused me to lash out on the person, which I knew was wrong, so I figured I had to know what was going on so it would not get worse. So, I asked them if they had an issue with me, and sure enough, I got the text that confirmed my thoughts; that I was “too loud and annoying” to be around, and that all the starkness was that persons way to let me know that I was not welcomed or wanted around them. It was rejection again rearing its ugly head, but this time it was different. I felt more at peace about this, probably because I saw this one coming. But even then, my heart hurt. I thought that it was because I wasn’t good enough. Now, I will say that I am loud. It’s natural for me, and sometimes I don’t realize it (and I know that one of you reading this that know me are saying a big AMEN lol). And this isn’t the first time that I have been rejected for my personality.

After that conversation today, it got me thinking. How do people really see me? Am I just the obnoxious loud girl in the room? Or maybe the one who is too quiet? I have heard both?

I had actually asked this question from some people that know me a couple months ago. So, it was interesting today reading their responses after feeling what I did last week and today. I got back things like this:

“You are really trustworthy, and someone I would trust my life with. You are funny, and love to have a good time. You are someone who likes things to be fair, and those others to be treated fairly. You are a diva! Lol and a great friend.”

“You light up a room. I love how you are a leader and come through for people.”

“You have one of the purest hearts and sweetest dispositions of anyone I know.”

“I would describe you as kind, loyal & just. My first thought is always that you have sweet servant’s heart.”

And then there was this next one, which was the most impactful one of them all. She has known me since about eight-grade and saw my family and myself in our worst times. So her words here were huge to me.

“When I met you I saw a sweet, shy and young girl going through a really tough time in her life. And yet you did exactly what we should all do and grow closer to God. You put your life as someone who was content on the sidelines if you could cheer someone else onto victory. In years, you matured with more grace and full of laughter. You are mature beyond your years in so many ways.”

After reading this the first time a few months ago, I immediately said no. That was that this isn’t me. That is not at all how I see myself. But reading it again, with freshly rejected eyes, it all made sense. This is totally me.  The only reason I am this hurt is because I in vain, became selfish. I didn’t let myself be myself. And because I wasn’t myself, I hurt myself. I know it sounds confusing right? Let me explain.

I wasn’t allowing myself to be what I am. Selfless, a servant, and joyful; I instead put a laser focus on myself and what I can do to benefit me, whether that be through a team or a friendship that was completely rocky from the start. I let myself change even when I said I wouldn’t. I compromised myself. And compromising in that sense only leads to one thing, and that is leaving the God-given attitudes and mindset to become someone the world wants. And that ultimately led to rejection. And that is unacceptable. I would understand if I was doing something that would cause hurt or sin, but I was merely letting me be myself, but only parts of myself to different people so they would like me. And that is hiding a light under a bushel friend.  And these rejections helped me see that. Rejection is a learning process. Satan or God can use it; it’s our choice to who we chose to go for the lesson.

Satan uses rejection as a foothold for us to sin and cause hurt. God uses rejection as a learning tool so we learn that we can depend on His timing and plan and not our own. And through the lesson, we can either learn hurt through compromising, or freedom in a God that has a plan far better than anything we could ever imagine for ourselves.

So do I still think that rejection still sucks? Absolutely. But is necessary for us to center ourselves back to the one who never will reject us? Without a doubt. So yeah, I lost two big things in the past couple weeks, but I gained something far greater. And that is through rejection, I can remember that I can take the back seat, enjoy the ride, and let the One who designed the road to take the wheel. And the best part in all that? I can be myself and not worry if I am good enough for anyone. Because I am; just not for anyone earthly.

I have a confession

I have a confession to make.

I hate being single. I hate it. And not in the “Ew, I hate lima beans” kind of way. I mean I have a deep, loathing over the fact that I am single. Or rather I did.

           

      See, over a year ago I moved onto a Christian college campus. If there is one saying that I hear often on campus is this “Ring by spring!” Or “She’s just here to get her MRS degree.” It’s hard not to desire a relationship because couples are everywhere. EVERYWHERE! They’re by the lake, in chapel, in the hallways, class, just everywhere. Status’ on facebook announcing a new relationship, or flaunting the happy union via pictures or wall posts and I am sitting watching FSU games and looking at pinterest, pinning things for a wedding that may never happen.  

And then I get a million questions from everyone (okay, that’s an exaggeration, not everyone, but a whole lot of people) asking me when I am going to finally “settle down”. If that’s not a kick to your spirit, there isn’t a whole lot that is. But, I am not that girl. I did not move from my potential career to becoming a full time student just so I could get married. No, I did it because God has called me to vocational ministry and I need to listen to that call.

  

It doesn’t help that my last in a relationship seven years ago. It was toxic, not Christ-centered, but I wouldn’t take it back. It taught me that I need to look for better, smarter; I need to be classier, and know how to act around guys. But that was seven years ago. I think I have learned from that mistake. In that seven years I was pursued by guys that were not who God would want me to be with. They aren’t bad people, just not the right people.

And a lot has gone through my mind the past year. It all started superficially. I thought:

·   

                     Is it because I’m not pretty enough?

·                 Is it because I am overweight?

·              Or because my hair isn’t like those magazines?

·             Or because I have acne scars from a very oily youth?

·            Is it because half of my wardrobe once consisted of very nerdy and very cheesy shirts?  

And then the questions went more to the heart, rather my head

 Is it because I’m not overly flirtatious?

Am I acting more like a target rather than a treasure?

Or maybe I am not “good enough” to make anyone happy?

Maybe I am too cynical? Or perhaps too masochistic?

Maybe I am not SUPPOSED to be in a relationship, maybe when I say I’ll be forever alone, that I mean that I may have the potential of being literally without a companion until I die.

Either way, you can see that I was pretty messed up in the head. I tried talking to others about it, to see if maybe I was over thinking all these things. I was told “you won’t be forever alone. Maybe this is an issue of pride.” No good there. If anything, my pride for myself was buried so far down that it looks likes it could be confused for something found in a cemetery. I was confused even more so because then I thought of what little pride I had left, if that was the reasoning for my singleness.

  And then I thought, maybe I haven’t done enough. Maybe I need to be that girl who walks with extra poise, can bake anything, has great grammar and can speak eloquently and can do anything. Except, I am not that girl; I am clumsy, I stutter and trip over my words, and I can’t do everything, like complicated math or speaking in front of people, or dancing. I can bake; so I suppose one out of three isn’t bad. However it still left this pain, the pain of the fact that I am not good enough. 

Until the other night. I was with some friends watching the season premiere of a show I have waited months for. It was nice. No overly couple stuff. Just some zombie slaying action. It distracted me. (Well, I guess that’s all I do, find distractions so I don’t have to think) Anyway, afterwards everyone was joking around, and someone made the comment that “I don’t hang out with girls I don’t like (like crush like) because it’s a waste of my time.” I took it as “you aren’t good enough, so you aren’t worth my time.” What he really meant was “I am not going to hang out with a girl alone UNLESS it’s for dating purposes.” I guess that’s another flaw of mine, Thinking before I think. Or rather I should say that I think of the wrong things and react before actually thinking about it.

It leads me into a conversation of someone much wiser than I. His words changed my thinking on dating. We talked about his experience somewhat similar to my own, and he challenged me to really put God first in this situation. For him, it took 15 months and now he is happily engaged and his relationship with God is active and awesome. He talked to me over the fact that it’s not that I can’t get a relationship, but asked if I should I have one because of the thoughts that consumed my mind.

It made me think. Back to one of the questions I asked myself for years. Maybe I am not “good enough” for a relationship. But I think I was asking myself that question wrongly. I think I should be asking myself is “How good have I been in my walk today for my relationship with God?” For how little I thought I thought about myself, I sure did think of me often.  Was it pride? No, I believe it is something far worse, self-loathing.

  

  Think about the time you have ever hated or have been mad at someone. (If you have never hated someone, praise God. Seriously. You don’t want to EVER go down that road.) What did you do? That’s right, you dwelled on them. Every poisonous thought about them seeped into your very being. You wished not only the worst on them, but that they would never be happy again. That hatred ate you alive sometimes worst than the act done to “deserve” such punishment. And I did that to me by saying ‘You can’t do this. You’ll never be good enough for someone. You aren’t even good enough for yourself. You aren’t pretty, smart, or talented. You are a disgrace.’

    Goodness, these awful things I thought all the time. I tortured myself daily with these words for years. I made the perfect relationship an imperfect idol. That was until the sweet words from my friend I told you about earlier. I learned then that the focus needs to go from me, to God. To seek first HIS kingdom, and take care of HIS love ones, including myself. I immediately went home and wrote a letter to myself when I think of the awful thoughts that plagued my mind. I wrote that God thinks I am beautiful. That He thinks I am talented. That He thinks I am worth it, worth it enough that He would die on a cross to prove it. I need to focus on Him, before myself and then if in time, and if I ever do get in another relationship, I know it will be for the right reasons. I want to make God the center, the absolute center in everything that I do, and a guy will only be but a sprinkle of seasoning of the already abundantly rich life God has created for me.

It’s a hard road I am taking, but so worth it. I am finding how often I really think about it, and it’s appalling. But overtime, with a lot of prayer and scripture, I know that I will win over this.

I didn’t write all of this just so you can feel sorry for me or think of me differently. I am throwing out these words, this pain I have experienced so that if someone, somewhere has begun to tell themselves these lies, that they can stop it now before it gets it worse. It’s not worth this temporary pain on this earth. God has something so much bigger for you in store. And if you are as bad as I was, I cannot even begin to tell you the freedom that comes with letting it go. I know its habit, its thought, it’s hard to change to something so abnormal for you, but girl is it worth it. Talk to someone, anyone that you trust. Let scripture repeat in your head rather than the lies Satan is.  Look at yourself in the mirror and say that you are a beautiful creation of God. Say it until you believe it, because it’s true.  No matter what your hair, body type, skin, feet, nose, eyes, etc. look like; you were crafted by the Master, and no one can take away that claim. Not the bullies, not the magazines, not the TV shows, not even what the people around you say. Trust God, trust his word, talk to him daily. Give him your problems, and you would be surprised how little they seem. 

Natalie