I have a confession to make.
I hate being single. I hate it. And not in the “Ew, I hate
lima beans” kind of way. I mean I have a deep, loathing over the fact that I am
single. Or rather I did.
See, over a
year ago I moved onto a Christian college campus. If there is one saying that I
hear often on campus is this “Ring by spring!” Or “She’s just here to get her
MRS degree.” It’s hard not to desire a relationship because couples are
everywhere. EVERYWHERE! They’re by the lake, in chapel, in the hallways, class,
just everywhere. Status’ on facebook announcing a new relationship, or
flaunting the happy union via pictures or wall posts and I am sitting watching FSU
games and looking at pinterest, pinning things for a wedding that may never
happen.
And then I get a million questions from everyone (okay,
that’s an exaggeration, not everyone, but a whole lot of people) asking me when
I am going to finally “settle down”. If that’s not a kick to your spirit, there
isn’t a whole lot that is. But, I am not that girl. I did not move from my
potential career to becoming a full time student just so I could get married.
No, I did it because God has called me to vocational ministry and I need to
listen to that call.
It doesn’t help that my last in a relationship
seven years ago. It was toxic, not Christ-centered, but I wouldn’t take it
back. It taught me that I need to look for better, smarter; I need to be
classier, and know how to act around guys. But that was seven years ago. I
think I have learned from that mistake. In that seven years I was pursued by
guys that were not who God would want me to be with. They aren’t bad people, just
not the right people.
And a lot has gone through my mind the past year. It all
started superficially. I thought:
·
Is it
because I’m not pretty enough?
· Is it
because I am overweight?
· Or because
my hair isn’t like those magazines?
· Or because
I have acne scars from a very oily youth?
· Is it
because half of my wardrobe once consisted of very nerdy and very cheesy
shirts?
And then the questions went more to the
heart, rather my head
Is it because I’m not
overly flirtatious?
Am I acting more like
a target rather than a treasure?
Or maybe I am not
“good enough” to make anyone happy?
Maybe I am too
cynical? Or perhaps too masochistic?
Maybe I am not
SUPPOSED to be in a relationship, maybe when I say I’ll be forever alone, that
I mean that I may have the potential of being literally without a companion
until I die.
Either way, you can see that I was pretty messed up in the
head. I tried talking to others about it, to see if maybe I was over thinking
all these things. I was told “you won’t be forever alone. Maybe this is an
issue of pride.” No good there. If anything, my pride for myself was buried so
far down that it looks likes it could be confused for something found in a
cemetery. I was confused even more so because then I thought of what little
pride I had left, if that was the reasoning for my singleness.
And then I thought, maybe I haven’t done enough. Maybe I
need to be that girl who walks with extra poise, can bake anything, has great
grammar and can speak eloquently and can do anything. Except, I am not that
girl; I am clumsy, I stutter and trip over my words, and I can’t do everything, like
complicated math or speaking in front of people, or dancing. I can bake; so I
suppose one out of three isn’t bad. However it still left this pain, the pain
of the fact that I am not good enough.
Until the other night. I was with some friends watching the
season premiere of a show I have waited months for. It was nice. No overly
couple stuff. Just some zombie slaying action. It distracted me. (Well, I guess
that’s all I do, find distractions so I don’t have to think) Anyway, afterwards
everyone was joking around, and someone made the comment that “I don’t hang out
with girls I don’t like (like crush like) because it’s a waste of my time.” I
took it as “you aren’t good enough, so you aren’t worth my time.” What he
really meant was “I am not going to hang out with a girl alone UNLESS it’s for
dating purposes.” I guess that’s another flaw of mine, Thinking before I think.
Or rather I should say that I think of the wrong things and react before
actually thinking about it.
It leads me into a conversation of someone much wiser than
I. His words changed my thinking on dating. We talked about his experience
somewhat similar to my own, and he challenged me to really put God first in
this situation. For him, it took 15 months and now he is happily engaged and
his relationship with God is active and awesome. He talked to me over the fact
that it’s not that I can’t get a relationship, but asked if I should I have one
because of the thoughts that consumed my mind.
It made me think. Back to one of the questions I asked
myself for years. Maybe I am not “good
enough” for a relationship. But I think I was asking myself that question
wrongly. I think I should be asking myself is “How good have I been in my walk today for my relationship with God?”
For how little I thought I thought about myself, I sure did think of me
often. Was it pride? No, I believe it is
something far worse, self-loathing.
Think about the
time you have ever hated or have been mad at someone. (If you have never hated
someone, praise God. Seriously. You don’t want to EVER go down that road.) What
did you do? That’s right, you dwelled on them. Every poisonous thought about
them seeped into your very being. You wished not only the worst on them, but
that they would never be happy again. That hatred ate you alive sometimes worst
than the act done to “deserve” such punishment. And I did that to me by saying
‘You can’t do this. You’ll never be good enough for someone. You aren’t even
good enough for yourself. You aren’t pretty, smart, or talented. You are a
disgrace.’
Goodness, these awful things I thought all the time. I
tortured myself daily with these words for years. I made the perfect
relationship an imperfect idol. That was until the sweet words from my friend I
told you about earlier. I learned then that the focus needs to go from me, to
God. To seek first HIS kingdom, and take care of HIS love ones, including
myself. I immediately went home and wrote a letter to myself when I think of
the awful thoughts that plagued my mind. I wrote that God thinks I am
beautiful. That He thinks I am talented. That He thinks I am worth it, worth it
enough that He would die on a cross to prove it. I need to focus on Him, before
myself and then if in time, and if I ever do get in another relationship, I
know it will be for the right reasons. I want to make God the center, the
absolute center in everything that I do, and a guy will only be but a sprinkle
of seasoning of the already abundantly rich life God has created for me.
It’s a hard road I am taking, but so worth it. I am finding
how often I really think about it, and it’s appalling. But overtime, with a lot
of prayer and scripture, I know that I will win over this.
I didn’t write all of this just so you can feel sorry for me
or think of me differently. I am throwing out these words, this pain I have
experienced so that if someone, somewhere has begun to tell themselves these
lies, that they can stop it now before it gets it worse. It’s not worth this
temporary pain on this earth. God has something so much bigger for you in
store. And if you are as bad as I was, I cannot even begin to tell you the
freedom that comes with letting it go. I know its habit, its thought, it’s hard
to change to something so abnormal for you, but girl is it worth it. Talk to
someone, anyone that you trust. Let scripture repeat in your head rather than
the lies Satan is. Look at yourself in
the mirror and say that you are a beautiful creation of God. Say it until you
believe it, because it’s true. No matter
what your hair, body type, skin, feet, nose, eyes, etc. look like; you were
crafted by the Master, and no one can take away that claim. Not the bullies,
not the magazines, not the TV shows, not even what the people around you say.
Trust God, trust his word, talk to him daily. Give him your problems, and you
would be surprised how little they seem.
Natalie
