Welcome back!
Ladies, this post
is for you. I have been learning a lot in these last few years about what it
means to be single. If I am honest and transparent with you, it has been a long
and frankly bad process. At 26, there
were more often or not days I have felt like a failure because I didn’t have my
life together. In the last five years I am ashamed to admit that I had felt
like a failure enough to not thrive.
Obviously, I was
physically here, and in these last five years, I have developed amazing
friendships and have made memories that I hope to never forget. However, in the
last couple days I thought, what would happen if I had really been 100% devoted
to living rather than just getting by? For the past year, I gave up myself. I
surrendered to God the one thing that was holding me back from truly living,
and that was my pride. Pride kept me from enjoying everyday, and in that I
learned some incredible lessons. I made a list of what I learned the other day, and I would like
to share that with you now.
1. No, you don’t have to be 21 and married. This
was a tough one for me. If you remember in one of my first posts on here, I
wrote about how I thought something was wrong with me because I wasn't married
or in a relationship. My thought process was very toxic. But you know what I
have learned since that post? It doesn't matter if you are married by a certain
age, because if it’s the right guy, it doesn't matter if you are 18 or 48; what
matters is where your heart is. If it is not central to Christ, then you have
no place taking one of His children down the aisle and making a half-hearted
covenant with him. No matter how much you THINK you love that man. Right now,
all I can do is love Jesus with my whole heart. If a guy decides to come along
with the same mindset, then that is awesome. If not, I am still able to be
effective to the Kingdom.
2. Yes you can live on
your own. This really can happen. As I am preparing to finish up school in
the next year, I can tell you looking for home/apartments can be scary. Its
honestly terrifying going out on your own and thinking that when you move into
that place that your dream husband won’t be there. In fact, when I was first
started to look, I thought I was getting panic attacks because of the thought of
becoming a crazy cat lady or something. But, there is a slight freedom that
comes from living on your own, and one day you will enjoy the peace that comes
from getting to watch whatever you want on television, listen to whatever
music, and not having to worry about picking up after people. Now, when I look
for places, I get excited.
3. You should absolutely live your life while
“waiting”. No great love story started
with a woman who was to herself in the sense that she wasn't really living life. The only thing close I have read like that was about a vampire and a
human, and that is the most ridiculous story I have ever read (and
unfortunately liked for many years until I came to my senses). No, most times
when I have talked to people about how they fell in love, the girl was living
life to the point where the guy had to be in on the secret of her happiness.
Now, this does not mean doing what you want to do in order to obtain a man,
what I mean is you should be so wrapped up in living that when a guy comes
along to sweep you off your feet that you think of it as the icing on the cake
of life. A man will not bring you
happiness or fulfillment and it is selfish if you are getting into a relationship
for that reason. It's not fair to him, and it isn't fair to you. Because if he disappoints you, who are you going to turn to? That is a harsh truth,
but I needed to hear it, and you might too.
It also means surrendering your life to Christ. Think of the
verse in John 10:10, where Jesus says, “
The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. I have come so you can live life,
and live it to the fullest.” Notice, the thief comes to steal, kill, and
destroy. That means he will try and steal your thoughts, kill your joy and
destroy your hope. Give your heart to Christ, and give it fully and you find
that voice of lies getting smaller and smaller. I had to learn this. I let
Satan take my joy daily because I believed his lies of that I would never be
good enough for anyone. But one day I got sick of it. I was sick of the pain of
not feeling like I had anyone who liked me because I wasn't “cool” enough. I decided to stop being self-concerned and
shy and put my heart on the line. I started opening myself up to people and the
result was that I have developed incredible relationships. In fact one of those
people had been trying for years to be my friend, but I was the one being stubborn
about getting to know her, and I regret it! She has become one of my best
friends.
4. Yes, you can say no to a date, no matter how
long you've been single. I was
talking with one of my best friends the other day about this. We were talking
about past relationships and I mentioned that some people have asked me out on
this campus, which immediately sent an array of questions. I didn't mind
answering them, but it made me think. I
didn't want to date them, and for several of the guys that asked me, I didn't
tell anyone that they had asked me. But what if I had told people that I had.
Would they tell me that I should say yes? It’s just a date how bad could it be?
Well, call me old fashioned, but I am not a serial dater. I never have been. I
am not one of those people who will say yes to anyone. I have to like them. Like, like them like them. (Note the Lizzy McGuire reference here
folks). I think we have hit a mindset in society now where we have to date whomever only because we are single and we need to “live
a little”. I partially blame television
series like Friends for that reason. But that's not living, that's just gambling. We need to make the right choices when it comes to dating. That means being choosy. And you should be
picky girls! Trust your instincts! If you don’t want to date him, don’t. Don’t
ever do the sympathy date. That is a waste of time on both of your parts. I am so glad I didn't date those guys. If I do get
married, I want to be able to look at my husband and know that I didn't weed
through a ton of jokers to get to the prize.
5. Your friends are
not your boyfriend. This was a hard
pill for me to swallow. I had a tendency to be very clingy to my friends. This
was especially true if the friend was a boy.
Not physically, but emotionally. I made them fill the void that I
thought a boyfriend would. It wasn't until I took a step back when I realized
the only person who could take away the void of loneliness was Christ. He is
truly the only one who is going to take away the pain and anxiety of life.
With that said, I do believe that you can be friends with a
guy. I do believe you can even be best friends with a guy. But what you need to
do is give the entire relationship to God. DO NOT go into the friendship with
the mindset that you could make him your boyfriend eventually. 9 out of 10
times that will lead to heartache. Trust me. Pray continuously for God to guard
both of your hearts. Pray that Christ will be center in your friendship. Keep
each other accountable. Do not put yourself in a situation where you can compromise
your integrities. And most importantly,
define your friendship with other often. This will help a lot. I can say this from experience girls, as one of my best friends is a guy. *
6. Finally, don’t be
discouraged if you still aren't in a relationship. God is working on you.
You don’t have to be perfect to be in a relationship, but you do have to trust
that the God that made you has far better plans than what you could ever
imagine. He hasn't left you this far; he won’t let you down now. Keep living
your life girly. You are awesome, and
one day some guy will see that.
I am heading off now. But I hope that you learned something
today. Mostly that you are worth far more than you think.
