Well, my friends, it has been an interesting year so far.
My final semester was one that did not go at all as I had planned. Just so I don't keep you here forever, I am going to give you some highlights below:
Bad:
- My final semester was not at all as I planned, and it wore me out emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
- Some friendships that I had that I considered to be very close fizzled away, leaving me wondering what happened.
- Standing as an outsider of those friendships open my eyes to injustices I hadn't seen previously, causing me to evaluate how I treat people and listen to my peers.
- I applied to nearly a dozen churches, and got 6 strong "no's", 3 "no replies" and 2 which almost worked out. One of those became a huge disappointment as I was so, so close.
Good:
- One of my best friends moved back to the state, and as a result we became more close than we had ever been.
- Because of the bad friendships and reevaluating my life, some strained friendships have become a lot better (not the ones above unfortunately, however, with time there is healing).
- I finally saved up enough to put a big chunk down on a car that won't break down every time I blink. (His name is Finn, like from Star Wars. I regret nothing)
- I live in a beautiful home, and frankly its better than I deserve. Plus, my roommate is awesome.
But the biggest thing that has happened, has begun in the last few months.
In March, I applied for only one thing that did not involve children's ministry. That job was as a first grade teacher at a private Christian school in the area. To say that I wasn't crazy about this position was an understatement. First, I did not want to stay in a classroom everyday all day, and second it was a position which was making much less than I would have liked. On the outside, I told people it could be cool, but on the inside I thought "This isn't really for me. I wasn't meant to teach full time. I am not good enough for something like this." Well, I was officially offered that position in the next month, and I accepted. From the moment I signed the contract, to buying supplies, and from looking at the curriculum, my mind was riddled with anxiety. I gave myself to fear nearly daily. The entire summer was planning to the point of insanity. (I mean anyone who looked at my Pinterest board can see I went a little crazy. haha)
My first day on the job was just last week. That Monday I was expecting to get to know my coworkers, get most if not all of my questions answered, and that I would get to set up most of my classroom that first day. The exact opposite happened. Because of construction, I couldn't access most of my room. So I could not set up really anything. Because we weren't technically required that day, most teachers didn't show up, so I only met one (!) other staff member. I found out I did some paperwork wrong and as a result all of my other questions had to be put on the back burner. As a result, I weeped over the phone to my bestie, and felt 100% defeated. I said multiple times that day that I think I made another mistake in my career planning. When I got home, I prayed. I prayed that God would soothe my weary soul. That he would show me that I was doing the right thing. My talk with Tara and Tyler helped a lot, and then the next day was better. The day after that was even better than the day before. But still, in the back of my mind I wondered. What if I was making a mistake? I learned to put on a good mask of showing that I thought I knew what I was doing.
Then today happened.
It was the first day with my students. I woke up with a nervous/excited energy. I got ready meticulously making sure I looked the part of a teacher. As I drove the twenty minute drive, I thought about the kids and whether or not I would be an effective educator. I felt like I was being thrown to the lions den (if lions were 12 first graders, which lets be honest, sometimes its hard to tell between the two) and I felt more and more fear the closer I got to the school. But when I pulled up, my boys (what I affectionately call my two best guy friends) were waiting in the parking lot with my favorite coffee and breakfast item. They offered encouragement and nearly brought me to tears. ( I'm actually crying a little now writing this out) I got text, after text throughout the day wishing me good luck. I called multiple people back thanking them. I went to my university to pick up something after work and was asked multiple times about my day by various staff and professors. But the biggest surprise was when the first child walked in my door. It was like a switch went off in my head. Of course this was the job for me. There was literally no other place I wanted to be at that moment. The 10 years of pain, feeling useless and like I wasn't where God wanted me to be dissipated immediately when that little girl walked in my door. Now, I obviously have never been married, but I can finally understand when people say you just "know" about something. I knew this was without a doubt why I was created.
God has blessed me beyond measure, and it baffles me. I kept thinking of a story in the bible. It was when Mordecai was talking to Esther and he told her perhaps she was queen for "such a time as this". Now, I will never be royalty, nor will I ever have to make a decision to save an entire people group, but I understand now why Mordecai would say something like that. God weaved my path the way he did for such a time as this. It was not an easy road, but goodness, it was what I needed. Almost my entire adult life did not make sense until today. God placed the right people, at the right time, in the right place for something for me that is way too good to imagine. I am grateful for the friends who have stuck behind me through this, but I am even more grateful for a God who cares for someone just as small as I am. For you still waiting to find your place, its there, but it won't be where you expect it. It won't be easy, nor sometimes will it feel right, but it will click. All the pain, heartache and strife will be worth it. God will meld your passions and talents with His purpose and the only thing you can do is just sit in stunned silence by the wonderfulness of His grace.
Thank you for reading this. I would love to hear from you about your journey in finding the right place for you, even if you haven't found it yet. I also promise to try and post more on here.
Natalie
