I was taking my government issued 15-minute break on the last
day of my summer job a couple weeks ago.
I chose to sit in one of my favorite spots, the balcony in the gym. It’s
the highest point on our campus, and I love sitting up there because honestly
most people overlook it. It’s just quiet
enough to feel like you’re alone, but you can still be part of the action if
people show up. It’s an ambiverts dream.
All I could think up there was that I am graduating very
soon. 9 months or 263 days to be exact; this is the same amount of time as a
pregnancy. Except instead of giving birth to a child, I am receiving a diploma
and given an extraordinary amount of debt and memories.
As I was sitting I started picturing my graduation. I closed
my eyes and imagined the stage set up, my professors lined up, and myself
sitting, preferably right in the middle so I don’t miss any of the action. I
imagined them calling my name, giving my plans of what is to come. I was
already saying in my head “you can’t cry. Don’t cry”. I pictured the end of the ceremony and hugging
my best friend and her saying “you did it love”. I thought of the endless pictures, hugs and
“I’ll miss you” that will be to come. So
many memories to be made and my daydreaming isn’t even touching the surface of
what is to come.
Flash forward to now. I am in my second week of classes
already. My schedule has been fine-tuned and I am already surrounded in enough homework
assignments to keep me busy until December. I have only slightly resorted to my
introverted tendencies, but my personality can only be locked up for so long. But
the biggest thing that has been happening is the reality of my imminent graduation.
I know I am going to leave this amazing group of people and staff and join the “real
world” again.
This reality has smacked me pretty hard in the face. What
was dream of graduation has become an almost nightmare. Already I have received
many questions about what I am doing post-graduation. I am being asked where I
am going to live, will it be with roommates, where will I work, am I going back
to my hometown or staying here and who I see after this is all said and done.
As a person who has dealt with anxiety issues since their youth, this doesn’t
sit well with me. I have already found myself freaking out over the future. I
couldn’t even fill out my intent to graduate form because that meant it was the
beginning of the end. It’s like having a healed wound but being afraid to take
off the bandaid.
Most of my anxiety is coming from a lack of trust in the God
who made me and my plans. In my head I know that God has me. I’ve seen evidence
of it. I have received several phone calls/emails/texts this past summer about
job opportunities that may or not be waiting for me in May. But it’s the not
knowing part that scares me the most. I am a person of order. I plan even when spontaneous
events happen (just ask my friends. I have plans for everything). In my heart,
I feel anxious; I want to know what to do. But I don’t think it’s my heart, or gut or
whatever you want to call it. It’s Satan, trying to pull me away from the wild
and steadfast love of God. I have to trust in God and tell Satan to back off. I
am reminded of this:
“For great is your love toward me,
You have delivered me from
the depths of the grave.”
Psalm
86:13
The same God who holds my plans and your plans, and our
lives is the same God who pulled us from the deepest darkest depths of our sin
to give us a life in heaven we don’t deserve, and me worrying about what is
going to happen 8 ½ months from now is nothing in the grand scheme of things. I
need to be in the present, living a life that God has called me to and to love
his people.
I have 245 days. I used to think of that time as a sentence.
Now I need to think of it as a challenge. My challenge is to show as much love,
grace, and compassion as possible on this campus. It’s to be as present as
possible, not worrying about what is to come because I know God has it under
control. 245 days seems like a long time, but I know it’ll pass by quickly. Why
not make the most of the days in which we are given? I hope that you will make
the most of the time given to you friends. We are not here for long, but we can
make the most impact being the best that Christ has asked us to be.
That’s all for now!
Natalie
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