Rejection

Rejection sucks. Especially when coming from something close to you.

Twice recently I have encountered serious rejection. One being less harsh than the other, but both leaving me thinking the same thing: Is my personality the reasoning for my rejection?

The first rejection happened last week. I had applied to be on a summer team with the college I attend. I would travel as a representative of the school and serve kids at various camps. I was pretty excited after my interview. In fact I was fairly sure I had it. I joked right after the initial application process that I wouldn’t get it, but my thoughts were “why wouldn’t they take me? I am a hard worker. I don’t get in trouble here, I am a pretty good person, and I REALLY want this.” But you know what rejection did? Slapped reality in my face. It reminded me how not awesome I really thought I was. I didn’t get the job. I hoped when I promised myself I wouldn’t. I planned my summer around something that I had no guarantee in getting, and everything got screwed up. 

At first, I blamed others for not choosing me. I was angry, hurt, and I lashed out. Not at the people that were chosen, but the ones who actually made the decision process. I couldn’t even walk by the office without feeling hurt. I was blaming myself for waiting so long to go to school, that I was too old to do a team like that. My thoughts shifted that maybe my introversion was the reason, or my work ethic, or various other things, which paved the way for terrible thoughts. I found myself randomly getting heated when someone even mentioned the team name. About the injustice of the choosing process, I even kept the letter in front of me for an entire day just to remind myself that my purpose of going to this school was not for the school but for me to become equipped for ministry. I made another promise. This time keeping myself from helping here, to focus 100% on where people actually wanted my help. I’m not like that so much anymore since last week, but at times that mean thought will pop in my head. It’s bad, I know. I’m working on it.

My second rejection was less than 24 hours ago, and it was a different but similar situation. Through much frustration in the last couple days with someone, I was feeling like they really didn’t like me. There was constant bickering, mean words were spoken to me the minute I stepped foot in a room, and the constant belittling from the other person had finally taken its toll on me. It caused me to lash out on the person, which I knew was wrong, so I figured I had to know what was going on so it would not get worse. So, I asked them if they had an issue with me, and sure enough, I got the text that confirmed my thoughts; that I was “too loud and annoying” to be around, and that all the starkness was that persons way to let me know that I was not welcomed or wanted around them. It was rejection again rearing its ugly head, but this time it was different. I felt more at peace about this, probably because I saw this one coming. But even then, my heart hurt. I thought that it was because I wasn’t good enough. Now, I will say that I am loud. It’s natural for me, and sometimes I don’t realize it (and I know that one of you reading this that know me are saying a big AMEN lol). And this isn’t the first time that I have been rejected for my personality.

After that conversation today, it got me thinking. How do people really see me? Am I just the obnoxious loud girl in the room? Or maybe the one who is too quiet? I have heard both?

I had actually asked this question from some people that know me a couple months ago. So, it was interesting today reading their responses after feeling what I did last week and today. I got back things like this:

“You are really trustworthy, and someone I would trust my life with. You are funny, and love to have a good time. You are someone who likes things to be fair, and those others to be treated fairly. You are a diva! Lol and a great friend.”

“You light up a room. I love how you are a leader and come through for people.”

“You have one of the purest hearts and sweetest dispositions of anyone I know.”

“I would describe you as kind, loyal & just. My first thought is always that you have sweet servant’s heart.”

And then there was this next one, which was the most impactful one of them all. She has known me since about eight-grade and saw my family and myself in our worst times. So her words here were huge to me.

“When I met you I saw a sweet, shy and young girl going through a really tough time in her life. And yet you did exactly what we should all do and grow closer to God. You put your life as someone who was content on the sidelines if you could cheer someone else onto victory. In years, you matured with more grace and full of laughter. You are mature beyond your years in so many ways.”

After reading this the first time a few months ago, I immediately said no. That was that this isn’t me. That is not at all how I see myself. But reading it again, with freshly rejected eyes, it all made sense. This is totally me.  The only reason I am this hurt is because I in vain, became selfish. I didn’t let myself be myself. And because I wasn’t myself, I hurt myself. I know it sounds confusing right? Let me explain.

I wasn’t allowing myself to be what I am. Selfless, a servant, and joyful; I instead put a laser focus on myself and what I can do to benefit me, whether that be through a team or a friendship that was completely rocky from the start. I let myself change even when I said I wouldn’t. I compromised myself. And compromising in that sense only leads to one thing, and that is leaving the God-given attitudes and mindset to become someone the world wants. And that ultimately led to rejection. And that is unacceptable. I would understand if I was doing something that would cause hurt or sin, but I was merely letting me be myself, but only parts of myself to different people so they would like me. And that is hiding a light under a bushel friend.  And these rejections helped me see that. Rejection is a learning process. Satan or God can use it; it’s our choice to who we chose to go for the lesson.

Satan uses rejection as a foothold for us to sin and cause hurt. God uses rejection as a learning tool so we learn that we can depend on His timing and plan and not our own. And through the lesson, we can either learn hurt through compromising, or freedom in a God that has a plan far better than anything we could ever imagine for ourselves.

So do I still think that rejection still sucks? Absolutely. But is necessary for us to center ourselves back to the one who never will reject us? Without a doubt. So yeah, I lost two big things in the past couple weeks, but I gained something far greater. And that is through rejection, I can remember that I can take the back seat, enjoy the ride, and let the One who designed the road to take the wheel. And the best part in all that? I can be myself and not worry if I am good enough for anyone. Because I am; just not for anyone earthly.