Hello Friends!
The last time I wrote a serious post, it was about rejection. My, my, my has a lot changed since then! Back then, I was a mess. I had no idea who my friends were anymore, I had bad self-esteem and confidence and I did little with my walk for Christ. I wrote that in February of 2013. This is what has happened since then:
I have been able to keep some important friendships and build new, amazing ones. In fact, they are some of the best people I have ever met, and I can't wait to be friends with them for a very long time after I graduate. (You know who you are). I have had amazing, incredible opportunities to glorify God through being a leader on campus. I am a resident assistant, and very recently became part of the summer travel team for the school (the very one I wrote about 20 months ago). I began my internship in Children's ministry on Sunday of last week, and I love it! Top that with 15.5 credit hours of my second to last semester in school, d-group, a job (or two), and being able to build relationships with the people I get to see everyday, this introvert is exhausted! But I wouldn't trade it for the world. In fact, it makes those times alone even sweeter. I even got over the whole not being in a relationship turmoil I had.
Last night however was one of the first nights in a long time where I didn't feel that way. I got to have two hours of uninterrupted introvert time while I did laundry on campus, so I walked my way over to my favorite spot on campus. Its a bench swing that faces one of our tiny lakes on campus and treeline. Its under a beautiful old oak tree and it is almost always quiet. It's perfect. While I was there, I started thinking not of what I was going to do next on my schedule (which is typically what comes to mind), but of what my future would be like. I have heard of several opportunities coming up in the next year after I graduate that would be exactly what I wanted and around the people I care about. I wanted it so bad, and it sent me into a spiral of overthinking.
I thought about if I was going to be able to glorify God in my future ministry and my life. Then that made me think of where that ministry is going to be. Will it be here where I want in the comforts of Florida, a place I have known my whole life, or somewhere else where it snows and I have to deal with actual seasons? And what does that mean for me as far as a relationship? Will I be working solo or with a man I would trust my life on? Do I even have time for one of those kind of relationships right now? Am I even doing enough right now for God? (As an ISTJ on the Meyers Briggs personality test, the answer to that for me is always no, I could be doing so much more. I suggest looking that up to see what I am talking about).
It became too much, I began stressing out, praying to God that he would just lay out my plans before me. It was like I wanted him to put it in my calendar so I could know what I should do. I prayed that I would be effective in bringing people to His kingdom. I prayed for clarity in decisions and mostly I prayed for peace in knowing He has me. As I looked up after that prayer, I saw the only star visible in the gloomy night sky. I am not exaggerating when I say it was the brightest and most beautiful star I had ever seen. As I watched it, I felt peace, and it was like God was saying why do you worry girl? Don't you know I have you? Didn't I promise to never leave you or forsake you? And then I remembered the verse in Isaiah where it says:
"For your thoughts or not my thoughts, and neither are your ways, my ways.
Thus declares the LORD. " (55:8)
I thought again about that star. I could only see the one, but did that mean that the other ones weren't there? Of course not. I was just not able to see it. Just like I am not seeing God's plan as to where I am going to go after I get my degree, but that doesn't mean that His plan isn't there. I just need to trust him and to be present in the present. I need to be there for the people who need me and to work hard in glorifying God in whatever I do.
I don't know where you are right now in your journey with Christ. If you're in the same boat as me, take heart, you're not alone. If you are in a place of peace, reach out to those you know aren't, your words will help, honest. I still don't know where I am going to be in the next year, but I do know that the God who made me will not let me fail, and I need to let him open the doors. I just have to trust, knowing that I don't have to know everything and that He has me.
Thanks for reading friend,
Natalie
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