I have a confession

I have a confession to make.

I hate being single. I hate it. And not in the “Ew, I hate lima beans” kind of way. I mean I have a deep, loathing over the fact that I am single. Or rather I did.

           

      See, over a year ago I moved onto a Christian college campus. If there is one saying that I hear often on campus is this “Ring by spring!” Or “She’s just here to get her MRS degree.” It’s hard not to desire a relationship because couples are everywhere. EVERYWHERE! They’re by the lake, in chapel, in the hallways, class, just everywhere. Status’ on facebook announcing a new relationship, or flaunting the happy union via pictures or wall posts and I am sitting watching FSU games and looking at pinterest, pinning things for a wedding that may never happen.  

And then I get a million questions from everyone (okay, that’s an exaggeration, not everyone, but a whole lot of people) asking me when I am going to finally “settle down”. If that’s not a kick to your spirit, there isn’t a whole lot that is. But, I am not that girl. I did not move from my potential career to becoming a full time student just so I could get married. No, I did it because God has called me to vocational ministry and I need to listen to that call.

  

It doesn’t help that my last in a relationship seven years ago. It was toxic, not Christ-centered, but I wouldn’t take it back. It taught me that I need to look for better, smarter; I need to be classier, and know how to act around guys. But that was seven years ago. I think I have learned from that mistake. In that seven years I was pursued by guys that were not who God would want me to be with. They aren’t bad people, just not the right people.

And a lot has gone through my mind the past year. It all started superficially. I thought:

·   

                     Is it because I’m not pretty enough?

·                 Is it because I am overweight?

·              Or because my hair isn’t like those magazines?

·             Or because I have acne scars from a very oily youth?

·            Is it because half of my wardrobe once consisted of very nerdy and very cheesy shirts?  

And then the questions went more to the heart, rather my head

 Is it because I’m not overly flirtatious?

Am I acting more like a target rather than a treasure?

Or maybe I am not “good enough” to make anyone happy?

Maybe I am too cynical? Or perhaps too masochistic?

Maybe I am not SUPPOSED to be in a relationship, maybe when I say I’ll be forever alone, that I mean that I may have the potential of being literally without a companion until I die.

Either way, you can see that I was pretty messed up in the head. I tried talking to others about it, to see if maybe I was over thinking all these things. I was told “you won’t be forever alone. Maybe this is an issue of pride.” No good there. If anything, my pride for myself was buried so far down that it looks likes it could be confused for something found in a cemetery. I was confused even more so because then I thought of what little pride I had left, if that was the reasoning for my singleness.

  And then I thought, maybe I haven’t done enough. Maybe I need to be that girl who walks with extra poise, can bake anything, has great grammar and can speak eloquently and can do anything. Except, I am not that girl; I am clumsy, I stutter and trip over my words, and I can’t do everything, like complicated math or speaking in front of people, or dancing. I can bake; so I suppose one out of three isn’t bad. However it still left this pain, the pain of the fact that I am not good enough. 

Until the other night. I was with some friends watching the season premiere of a show I have waited months for. It was nice. No overly couple stuff. Just some zombie slaying action. It distracted me. (Well, I guess that’s all I do, find distractions so I don’t have to think) Anyway, afterwards everyone was joking around, and someone made the comment that “I don’t hang out with girls I don’t like (like crush like) because it’s a waste of my time.” I took it as “you aren’t good enough, so you aren’t worth my time.” What he really meant was “I am not going to hang out with a girl alone UNLESS it’s for dating purposes.” I guess that’s another flaw of mine, Thinking before I think. Or rather I should say that I think of the wrong things and react before actually thinking about it.

It leads me into a conversation of someone much wiser than I. His words changed my thinking on dating. We talked about his experience somewhat similar to my own, and he challenged me to really put God first in this situation. For him, it took 15 months and now he is happily engaged and his relationship with God is active and awesome. He talked to me over the fact that it’s not that I can’t get a relationship, but asked if I should I have one because of the thoughts that consumed my mind.

It made me think. Back to one of the questions I asked myself for years. Maybe I am not “good enough” for a relationship. But I think I was asking myself that question wrongly. I think I should be asking myself is “How good have I been in my walk today for my relationship with God?” For how little I thought I thought about myself, I sure did think of me often.  Was it pride? No, I believe it is something far worse, self-loathing.

  

  Think about the time you have ever hated or have been mad at someone. (If you have never hated someone, praise God. Seriously. You don’t want to EVER go down that road.) What did you do? That’s right, you dwelled on them. Every poisonous thought about them seeped into your very being. You wished not only the worst on them, but that they would never be happy again. That hatred ate you alive sometimes worst than the act done to “deserve” such punishment. And I did that to me by saying ‘You can’t do this. You’ll never be good enough for someone. You aren’t even good enough for yourself. You aren’t pretty, smart, or talented. You are a disgrace.’

    Goodness, these awful things I thought all the time. I tortured myself daily with these words for years. I made the perfect relationship an imperfect idol. That was until the sweet words from my friend I told you about earlier. I learned then that the focus needs to go from me, to God. To seek first HIS kingdom, and take care of HIS love ones, including myself. I immediately went home and wrote a letter to myself when I think of the awful thoughts that plagued my mind. I wrote that God thinks I am beautiful. That He thinks I am talented. That He thinks I am worth it, worth it enough that He would die on a cross to prove it. I need to focus on Him, before myself and then if in time, and if I ever do get in another relationship, I know it will be for the right reasons. I want to make God the center, the absolute center in everything that I do, and a guy will only be but a sprinkle of seasoning of the already abundantly rich life God has created for me.

It’s a hard road I am taking, but so worth it. I am finding how often I really think about it, and it’s appalling. But overtime, with a lot of prayer and scripture, I know that I will win over this.

I didn’t write all of this just so you can feel sorry for me or think of me differently. I am throwing out these words, this pain I have experienced so that if someone, somewhere has begun to tell themselves these lies, that they can stop it now before it gets it worse. It’s not worth this temporary pain on this earth. God has something so much bigger for you in store. And if you are as bad as I was, I cannot even begin to tell you the freedom that comes with letting it go. I know its habit, its thought, it’s hard to change to something so abnormal for you, but girl is it worth it. Talk to someone, anyone that you trust. Let scripture repeat in your head rather than the lies Satan is.  Look at yourself in the mirror and say that you are a beautiful creation of God. Say it until you believe it, because it’s true.  No matter what your hair, body type, skin, feet, nose, eyes, etc. look like; you were crafted by the Master, and no one can take away that claim. Not the bullies, not the magazines, not the TV shows, not even what the people around you say. Trust God, trust his word, talk to him daily. Give him your problems, and you would be surprised how little they seem. 

Natalie 

Throwback to Myspace?

Hello again! Sorry it has been so long since my last post. The past two weeks have been crazy. Any-who, two weekends ago my friend, and really brother to me, Kyle and I decided to go back into our pasts a little bit and went on our old myspace accounts that we can't get rid of. We laughed at ourselves and each other for a while, looking through old pictures and bulletin posts, seeing how bad our grammar was and how our personality was. Looking through it though, I realized how fake I was back then, and how I really thought I had it all together. And how wrong I was! I started my profile in late 2004, and stopped using it in 2008. So for four years, I was two different people. I wanted to look better on myspace then I did in real life. It was not genuine and not healthy. Inside of myspace, on the outside that people could see, I was a happy, vibrant teen. Outside of Myspace, I was depressed, lonely, and feeling like I didn't know who I was. But in the sinking feeling of depression I was starting to feel again reliving everything on that site, I stumbled upon this post, tucked away between two old surveys.

God is amazing. Wait let me re-write that, God is AMAZING! I have never been to a place where God was moving the lives of so many people. 24,000 college-aged students went to do what they were made for, worshipping the creator with everything they have. I have never been so amazed. Anyone who went would say the same. Looking out at the crowd, I would be speechless at worship. Me, speechless! I truly felt God this week, and I will NEVER forget it either. I met 6 amazing people who richly blessed my life forever. Thank God for my family group. I learned that my history is not my prophecy (a Beth Moore quote). So many things burden my heart the past couple weeks; People that hurt me, and I them and whether or not I wanted to be in the church anymore. Guys, I just was about to give up until Passion. I would thank Louie and his team now, but I’m not. Yes they did a great job, but God is the reason why everyone was there. He was the reason why I went. Frances Chan said do you really love God? Are you willing to say, " God, I want to give you my complete life? Everything in me, when I wake up, where you lead me and what your will is in my life?" My thoughts were “ Did he really just asked that? What kind of question is that?” Of course. But then I thought some more. And I said no. I don't really love God, because if I did, why am I doing the things I’m doing? And the more I thought the more God revealed how much he loves me. And I prayed, and prayed. God loves you and me more than anyone can comprehend. And he is an amazing God who was willing to be sacrificed for my sins. Something I can't even admit to, yet Jesus said I’d take it because I love you and don't want you to end up in hell. And I turn around and say thanks God, now I’m going to do my own thing. What ever! God is my strength. I will have none before him! Frances also asked "have you ever asked yourself about your purpose and if the church has it wrong?" My answer is yes. I have asked my purpose, and even if its being opened in little chunks, and I may not know where I’m going and when, but its all in Gods perfect and divine timing. And as for his question about the church; I think that we base everything on the tradition of the church and that sometimes its more important then what God wants in the church. So I do think that we have missed the point. Its like what Louie said the last session, " We don't know where we are going, we just know God called, and where he calls, we go." Its up to this generation, to take it and run with what God wants. And I think that once we do, God is going to do way more amazing blessings then what he already has (and if you do think he hasn't given you blessings everyday, you’re wrong.) God is amazing, and I just pray that everyday would be a new day, and you would always learn something new about Christ, and that you would be richly blessed in Gods goodness.

I leave you with Colossians 1:9-14.

9For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. 10And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 11being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully 12giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you[d] to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. 13For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, 14in whom we have redemption,[e] the forgiveness of sins.

After reading this, I felt a sense of relief. I finally found something from that wretched page that showed some glimmer of who I really was. I really had repented and finally did what I was supposed to do. I did start really working for God then, and still continue to today. I know longer feel like I know everything, and I am learning as much as I can with a humble heart and trying to not let pride take over. I hope that in reading this today, that you yourself look back and see just how much God has changed you. And hopefully, when you do, you will understand this post just a little more and not be able to hide it either.

Looking For The Perfect Guy #BOOM

So, going to a Christian College is awesome in a lot of ways. One, because I get to study along side with people making an impact on the kingdom, two, because I get to see awesome things happen. For example, my roommate Ashely got baptized tonight! At the same time however, I get to hear and watch some crazy stuff Christians say and do. Especially when it comes to dating. So just for the fun of it, I thought I would post some stuff that I have found online that comes to us and the things we say about dating.

*DISCLAIMER* I am in no way saying that we are to act like this world when it comes to finding our match, this is meant to be a fun, and quirky post.

First, this is a video that my best friend, Tara found and showed me. Its great!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=My92oE9RwRE

Sorry that you will have to click on the link!

Second, after a quick Google search, I found the website pickuplinesgalore.com and they had a Christian section! So here are a few of my favorites:

1.For you, I'd slay two Goliaths.

2.My spiritual gift is my good looks...it lifts peoples spirits.

3.Girl, is this the transfiguration? Because you are glowing!

4.I used to believe in Natural Theology, until I met you. Now I believe in divine revelation.

5.I went on a beach mission trip, but all I ended up doing was mission you.

6.How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?

7.How would you like to join my Purpose Driven Life?

8.When I read Philippians 4:8, I think of you.

9.I believe one of my ribs belong to you.

10. It's obvious to me that you sprouted from the good kinda soil.

I got a good giggle out of finding these, and some of them had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

And thankfully, almost mercifully,not all Christian dating advice is like this.In fact, one of my favorite people, Bethany Jett, has a fantastic blog about dating and being Godly. Its brilliant, and the link is here. And that wonderful site is (drum roll please!)

esthersblessing.com

Seriously, it's awesome. And witty. And real. But you don't know until you go on it. So do it right now. I won't be offended that you leave my site to go to hers.

#boom,

Natalie

P.S. WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?! GO TO BETHANY'S SITE RIGHT NOW!

And Away We Go!

Hello friend!

I am so glad that you are on my site! So, I thought I would start my first post with a little story on why I decided to do this blog. This is not my first blog, but the other ones failed miserably. I am just not a writer, and if I got bored with the site, well it was gone. But this time its different.

I started going to college in August of 2011. At 23. yikes! When I graduated high school in 2006, I decided that a semester off before starting school was a good idea. I was wrong. That led me down a path of five years of feeling like an agonizing failure. I knew I was called to become a Children's Minister, and despite knowing that college was the best way to become that, I still made excuses not to go. It wasn't until I was at a camp with my youth group as a sponsor, where the speaker was talking about Children in Kenya and one child on a video that he showed changed my life.

The child's name was Kevin, and he said "Even though my house leaks, I'm hungry a lot, and that sometimes I don't have good days, I know that God loves me and that makes me happy." It may not seem like a lot, but Kevin opened my eyes to a burden in my heart that I had ignored for far too long. And that was that children need to hear about Jesus just as much as adults do. I knew from that point on there were no excuses. And luckily, I am blessed with an amazing big brother and sister in Christ, Justin and Bethany, and Christ, and they pushed me, in the best way possible, to better myself. I didn't think that I could possibly make it, and I made every excuse to not go. "I'm not smart enough." "I'm too shy." "I'm not the college type." but with the help of that pushing, Im here!

While I finally started college, I figured out that I am absolutely in love with my kitchen. I love to cook and bake, and I cook. a lot. And people would complement me, much to my surprise. I would experiment and also surprisingly, it turned out pretty decent.At the same time, I was on www.pinterest.com and they have tons of recipes, and often people "pin" things, and then wouldn't do them.In fact, it's kinda a joke in the pinning world. So I am changing that. Breaking the mold, if you would, and with discipline and some fun, this blog will be a success. Oh, and maybe I should mention this, but school is going great, and I am learning a whole lot, my shyness is still there, but breaking loose more and more each day. I hope that you enjoy this blog, and I will enjoy conducting some experiments in food and crafts and bringing you a fun, and informative site.

With faith, love, and food,

Natalie