It's been too long!

Hello Friends!

The last time I wrote a serious post, it was about rejection. My, my, my has a lot changed since then! Back then, I was a mess. I had no idea who my friends were anymore, I had bad self-esteem and confidence and I did little with my walk for Christ. I wrote that in February of 2013. This is what has happened since then:

I have been able to keep some important friendships and build new, amazing ones. In fact, they are some of the best people I have ever met, and I can't wait to be friends with them for a very long time after I graduate. (You know who you are). I have had amazing, incredible opportunities to glorify God through being a leader on campus. I am a resident assistant, and very recently became part of the summer travel team for the school (the very one I wrote about 20 months ago). I began my internship in Children's ministry on Sunday of last week, and I love it! Top that with 15.5 credit hours of my second to last semester in school, d-group, a job (or two), and being able to build relationships with the people I get to see everyday, this introvert is exhausted! But I wouldn't trade it for the world. In fact, it makes those times alone even sweeter. I even got over the whole not being in a relationship turmoil I had.

Last night however was one of the first nights in a long time where I didn't feel that way. I got to have two hours of uninterrupted introvert time while I did laundry on campus, so I walked my way over to my favorite spot on campus. Its a bench swing that faces one of our tiny lakes on campus and treeline. Its under a beautiful old oak tree and it is almost always quiet. It's perfect. While I was there,  I started thinking not of what I was going to do next on my schedule (which is typically what comes to mind), but of what my future would be like. I have heard of several opportunities coming up in the next year after I graduate that would be exactly what I wanted and around the people I care about. I wanted it so bad, and it sent me into a spiral of overthinking.

I thought about if I was going to be able to glorify God in my future ministry and my life. Then that made me think of where that ministry is going to be. Will it be here where I want in the comforts of Florida, a place I have known my whole life, or somewhere else where it snows and I have to deal with actual seasons? And what does that mean for me as far as a relationship? Will I be working solo or with a man I would trust my life on? Do I even have time for one of those kind of relationships right now? Am I even doing enough right now for God? (As an ISTJ on the Meyers Briggs personality test, the answer to that for me is always no, I could be doing so much more. I suggest looking that up to see what I am talking about).

It became too much, I began stressing out, praying to God that he would just lay out my plans before me. It was like I wanted him to put it in my calendar so I could know what I should do. I prayed that I would be effective in bringing people to His kingdom. I prayed for clarity in decisions and mostly I prayed for peace in knowing He has me. As I looked up after that prayer, I saw the only star visible in the gloomy night sky. I am not exaggerating when I say it was the brightest and most beautiful star I had ever seen. As I watched it, I felt peace, and it was like God was saying why do you worry girl? Don't you know I have you? Didn't I promise to never leave you or forsake you? And then I remembered the verse in Isaiah where it says:
              "For your thoughts or not my thoughts, and neither are your ways, my ways.
               Thus declares the LORD. " (55:8)
I thought again about that star. I could only see the one, but did that mean that the other ones weren't there? Of course not. I was just not able to see it. Just like I am not seeing God's plan as to where I am going to go after I get my degree, but that doesn't mean that His plan isn't there. I just need to trust him and to be present in the present. I need to be there for the people who need me and to work hard in glorifying God in whatever I do.

I don't know where you are right now in your journey with Christ. If you're in the same boat as me, take heart, you're not alone. If you are in a place of peace, reach out to those you know aren't, your words will help, honest. I still don't know where I am going to be in the next year, but I do know that the God who made me will not let me fail, and I need to let him open the doors. I just have to trust, knowing that I don't have to know everything and that He has me.

Thanks for reading friend,

Natalie

Rejection

Rejection sucks. Especially when coming from something close to you.

Twice recently I have encountered serious rejection. One being less harsh than the other, but both leaving me thinking the same thing: Is my personality the reasoning for my rejection?

The first rejection happened last week. I had applied to be on a summer team with the college I attend. I would travel as a representative of the school and serve kids at various camps. I was pretty excited after my interview. In fact I was fairly sure I had it. I joked right after the initial application process that I wouldn’t get it, but my thoughts were “why wouldn’t they take me? I am a hard worker. I don’t get in trouble here, I am a pretty good person, and I REALLY want this.” But you know what rejection did? Slapped reality in my face. It reminded me how not awesome I really thought I was. I didn’t get the job. I hoped when I promised myself I wouldn’t. I planned my summer around something that I had no guarantee in getting, and everything got screwed up. 

At first, I blamed others for not choosing me. I was angry, hurt, and I lashed out. Not at the people that were chosen, but the ones who actually made the decision process. I couldn’t even walk by the office without feeling hurt. I was blaming myself for waiting so long to go to school, that I was too old to do a team like that. My thoughts shifted that maybe my introversion was the reason, or my work ethic, or various other things, which paved the way for terrible thoughts. I found myself randomly getting heated when someone even mentioned the team name. About the injustice of the choosing process, I even kept the letter in front of me for an entire day just to remind myself that my purpose of going to this school was not for the school but for me to become equipped for ministry. I made another promise. This time keeping myself from helping here, to focus 100% on where people actually wanted my help. I’m not like that so much anymore since last week, but at times that mean thought will pop in my head. It’s bad, I know. I’m working on it.

My second rejection was less than 24 hours ago, and it was a different but similar situation. Through much frustration in the last couple days with someone, I was feeling like they really didn’t like me. There was constant bickering, mean words were spoken to me the minute I stepped foot in a room, and the constant belittling from the other person had finally taken its toll on me. It caused me to lash out on the person, which I knew was wrong, so I figured I had to know what was going on so it would not get worse. So, I asked them if they had an issue with me, and sure enough, I got the text that confirmed my thoughts; that I was “too loud and annoying” to be around, and that all the starkness was that persons way to let me know that I was not welcomed or wanted around them. It was rejection again rearing its ugly head, but this time it was different. I felt more at peace about this, probably because I saw this one coming. But even then, my heart hurt. I thought that it was because I wasn’t good enough. Now, I will say that I am loud. It’s natural for me, and sometimes I don’t realize it (and I know that one of you reading this that know me are saying a big AMEN lol). And this isn’t the first time that I have been rejected for my personality.

After that conversation today, it got me thinking. How do people really see me? Am I just the obnoxious loud girl in the room? Or maybe the one who is too quiet? I have heard both?

I had actually asked this question from some people that know me a couple months ago. So, it was interesting today reading their responses after feeling what I did last week and today. I got back things like this:

“You are really trustworthy, and someone I would trust my life with. You are funny, and love to have a good time. You are someone who likes things to be fair, and those others to be treated fairly. You are a diva! Lol and a great friend.”

“You light up a room. I love how you are a leader and come through for people.”

“You have one of the purest hearts and sweetest dispositions of anyone I know.”

“I would describe you as kind, loyal & just. My first thought is always that you have sweet servant’s heart.”

And then there was this next one, which was the most impactful one of them all. She has known me since about eight-grade and saw my family and myself in our worst times. So her words here were huge to me.

“When I met you I saw a sweet, shy and young girl going through a really tough time in her life. And yet you did exactly what we should all do and grow closer to God. You put your life as someone who was content on the sidelines if you could cheer someone else onto victory. In years, you matured with more grace and full of laughter. You are mature beyond your years in so many ways.”

After reading this the first time a few months ago, I immediately said no. That was that this isn’t me. That is not at all how I see myself. But reading it again, with freshly rejected eyes, it all made sense. This is totally me.  The only reason I am this hurt is because I in vain, became selfish. I didn’t let myself be myself. And because I wasn’t myself, I hurt myself. I know it sounds confusing right? Let me explain.

I wasn’t allowing myself to be what I am. Selfless, a servant, and joyful; I instead put a laser focus on myself and what I can do to benefit me, whether that be through a team or a friendship that was completely rocky from the start. I let myself change even when I said I wouldn’t. I compromised myself. And compromising in that sense only leads to one thing, and that is leaving the God-given attitudes and mindset to become someone the world wants. And that ultimately led to rejection. And that is unacceptable. I would understand if I was doing something that would cause hurt or sin, but I was merely letting me be myself, but only parts of myself to different people so they would like me. And that is hiding a light under a bushel friend.  And these rejections helped me see that. Rejection is a learning process. Satan or God can use it; it’s our choice to who we chose to go for the lesson.

Satan uses rejection as a foothold for us to sin and cause hurt. God uses rejection as a learning tool so we learn that we can depend on His timing and plan and not our own. And through the lesson, we can either learn hurt through compromising, or freedom in a God that has a plan far better than anything we could ever imagine for ourselves.

So do I still think that rejection still sucks? Absolutely. But is necessary for us to center ourselves back to the one who never will reject us? Without a doubt. So yeah, I lost two big things in the past couple weeks, but I gained something far greater. And that is through rejection, I can remember that I can take the back seat, enjoy the ride, and let the One who designed the road to take the wheel. And the best part in all that? I can be myself and not worry if I am good enough for anyone. Because I am; just not for anyone earthly.

I have a confession

I have a confession to make.

I hate being single. I hate it. And not in the “Ew, I hate lima beans” kind of way. I mean I have a deep, loathing over the fact that I am single. Or rather I did.

           

      See, over a year ago I moved onto a Christian college campus. If there is one saying that I hear often on campus is this “Ring by spring!” Or “She’s just here to get her MRS degree.” It’s hard not to desire a relationship because couples are everywhere. EVERYWHERE! They’re by the lake, in chapel, in the hallways, class, just everywhere. Status’ on facebook announcing a new relationship, or flaunting the happy union via pictures or wall posts and I am sitting watching FSU games and looking at pinterest, pinning things for a wedding that may never happen.  

And then I get a million questions from everyone (okay, that’s an exaggeration, not everyone, but a whole lot of people) asking me when I am going to finally “settle down”. If that’s not a kick to your spirit, there isn’t a whole lot that is. But, I am not that girl. I did not move from my potential career to becoming a full time student just so I could get married. No, I did it because God has called me to vocational ministry and I need to listen to that call.

  

It doesn’t help that my last in a relationship seven years ago. It was toxic, not Christ-centered, but I wouldn’t take it back. It taught me that I need to look for better, smarter; I need to be classier, and know how to act around guys. But that was seven years ago. I think I have learned from that mistake. In that seven years I was pursued by guys that were not who God would want me to be with. They aren’t bad people, just not the right people.

And a lot has gone through my mind the past year. It all started superficially. I thought:

·   

                     Is it because I’m not pretty enough?

·                 Is it because I am overweight?

·              Or because my hair isn’t like those magazines?

·             Or because I have acne scars from a very oily youth?

·            Is it because half of my wardrobe once consisted of very nerdy and very cheesy shirts?  

And then the questions went more to the heart, rather my head

 Is it because I’m not overly flirtatious?

Am I acting more like a target rather than a treasure?

Or maybe I am not “good enough” to make anyone happy?

Maybe I am too cynical? Or perhaps too masochistic?

Maybe I am not SUPPOSED to be in a relationship, maybe when I say I’ll be forever alone, that I mean that I may have the potential of being literally without a companion until I die.

Either way, you can see that I was pretty messed up in the head. I tried talking to others about it, to see if maybe I was over thinking all these things. I was told “you won’t be forever alone. Maybe this is an issue of pride.” No good there. If anything, my pride for myself was buried so far down that it looks likes it could be confused for something found in a cemetery. I was confused even more so because then I thought of what little pride I had left, if that was the reasoning for my singleness.

  And then I thought, maybe I haven’t done enough. Maybe I need to be that girl who walks with extra poise, can bake anything, has great grammar and can speak eloquently and can do anything. Except, I am not that girl; I am clumsy, I stutter and trip over my words, and I can’t do everything, like complicated math or speaking in front of people, or dancing. I can bake; so I suppose one out of three isn’t bad. However it still left this pain, the pain of the fact that I am not good enough. 

Until the other night. I was with some friends watching the season premiere of a show I have waited months for. It was nice. No overly couple stuff. Just some zombie slaying action. It distracted me. (Well, I guess that’s all I do, find distractions so I don’t have to think) Anyway, afterwards everyone was joking around, and someone made the comment that “I don’t hang out with girls I don’t like (like crush like) because it’s a waste of my time.” I took it as “you aren’t good enough, so you aren’t worth my time.” What he really meant was “I am not going to hang out with a girl alone UNLESS it’s for dating purposes.” I guess that’s another flaw of mine, Thinking before I think. Or rather I should say that I think of the wrong things and react before actually thinking about it.

It leads me into a conversation of someone much wiser than I. His words changed my thinking on dating. We talked about his experience somewhat similar to my own, and he challenged me to really put God first in this situation. For him, it took 15 months and now he is happily engaged and his relationship with God is active and awesome. He talked to me over the fact that it’s not that I can’t get a relationship, but asked if I should I have one because of the thoughts that consumed my mind.

It made me think. Back to one of the questions I asked myself for years. Maybe I am not “good enough” for a relationship. But I think I was asking myself that question wrongly. I think I should be asking myself is “How good have I been in my walk today for my relationship with God?” For how little I thought I thought about myself, I sure did think of me often.  Was it pride? No, I believe it is something far worse, self-loathing.

  

  Think about the time you have ever hated or have been mad at someone. (If you have never hated someone, praise God. Seriously. You don’t want to EVER go down that road.) What did you do? That’s right, you dwelled on them. Every poisonous thought about them seeped into your very being. You wished not only the worst on them, but that they would never be happy again. That hatred ate you alive sometimes worst than the act done to “deserve” such punishment. And I did that to me by saying ‘You can’t do this. You’ll never be good enough for someone. You aren’t even good enough for yourself. You aren’t pretty, smart, or talented. You are a disgrace.’

    Goodness, these awful things I thought all the time. I tortured myself daily with these words for years. I made the perfect relationship an imperfect idol. That was until the sweet words from my friend I told you about earlier. I learned then that the focus needs to go from me, to God. To seek first HIS kingdom, and take care of HIS love ones, including myself. I immediately went home and wrote a letter to myself when I think of the awful thoughts that plagued my mind. I wrote that God thinks I am beautiful. That He thinks I am talented. That He thinks I am worth it, worth it enough that He would die on a cross to prove it. I need to focus on Him, before myself and then if in time, and if I ever do get in another relationship, I know it will be for the right reasons. I want to make God the center, the absolute center in everything that I do, and a guy will only be but a sprinkle of seasoning of the already abundantly rich life God has created for me.

It’s a hard road I am taking, but so worth it. I am finding how often I really think about it, and it’s appalling. But overtime, with a lot of prayer and scripture, I know that I will win over this.

I didn’t write all of this just so you can feel sorry for me or think of me differently. I am throwing out these words, this pain I have experienced so that if someone, somewhere has begun to tell themselves these lies, that they can stop it now before it gets it worse. It’s not worth this temporary pain on this earth. God has something so much bigger for you in store. And if you are as bad as I was, I cannot even begin to tell you the freedom that comes with letting it go. I know its habit, its thought, it’s hard to change to something so abnormal for you, but girl is it worth it. Talk to someone, anyone that you trust. Let scripture repeat in your head rather than the lies Satan is.  Look at yourself in the mirror and say that you are a beautiful creation of God. Say it until you believe it, because it’s true.  No matter what your hair, body type, skin, feet, nose, eyes, etc. look like; you were crafted by the Master, and no one can take away that claim. Not the bullies, not the magazines, not the TV shows, not even what the people around you say. Trust God, trust his word, talk to him daily. Give him your problems, and you would be surprised how little they seem. 

Natalie 

Throwback to Myspace?

Hello again! Sorry it has been so long since my last post. The past two weeks have been crazy. Any-who, two weekends ago my friend, and really brother to me, Kyle and I decided to go back into our pasts a little bit and went on our old myspace accounts that we can't get rid of. We laughed at ourselves and each other for a while, looking through old pictures and bulletin posts, seeing how bad our grammar was and how our personality was. Looking through it though, I realized how fake I was back then, and how I really thought I had it all together. And how wrong I was! I started my profile in late 2004, and stopped using it in 2008. So for four years, I was two different people. I wanted to look better on myspace then I did in real life. It was not genuine and not healthy. Inside of myspace, on the outside that people could see, I was a happy, vibrant teen. Outside of Myspace, I was depressed, lonely, and feeling like I didn't know who I was. But in the sinking feeling of depression I was starting to feel again reliving everything on that site, I stumbled upon this post, tucked away between two old surveys.

God is amazing. Wait let me re-write that, God is AMAZING! I have never been to a place where God was moving the lives of so many people. 24,000 college-aged students went to do what they were made for, worshipping the creator with everything they have. I have never been so amazed. Anyone who went would say the same. Looking out at the crowd, I would be speechless at worship. Me, speechless! I truly felt God this week, and I will NEVER forget it either. I met 6 amazing people who richly blessed my life forever. Thank God for my family group. I learned that my history is not my prophecy (a Beth Moore quote). So many things burden my heart the past couple weeks; People that hurt me, and I them and whether or not I wanted to be in the church anymore. Guys, I just was about to give up until Passion. I would thank Louie and his team now, but I’m not. Yes they did a great job, but God is the reason why everyone was there. He was the reason why I went. Frances Chan said do you really love God? Are you willing to say, " God, I want to give you my complete life? Everything in me, when I wake up, where you lead me and what your will is in my life?" My thoughts were “ Did he really just asked that? What kind of question is that?” Of course. But then I thought some more. And I said no. I don't really love God, because if I did, why am I doing the things I’m doing? And the more I thought the more God revealed how much he loves me. And I prayed, and prayed. God loves you and me more than anyone can comprehend. And he is an amazing God who was willing to be sacrificed for my sins. Something I can't even admit to, yet Jesus said I’d take it because I love you and don't want you to end up in hell. And I turn around and say thanks God, now I’m going to do my own thing. What ever! God is my strength. I will have none before him! Frances also asked "have you ever asked yourself about your purpose and if the church has it wrong?" My answer is yes. I have asked my purpose, and even if its being opened in little chunks, and I may not know where I’m going and when, but its all in Gods perfect and divine timing. And as for his question about the church; I think that we base everything on the tradition of the church and that sometimes its more important then what God wants in the church. So I do think that we have missed the point. Its like what Louie said the last session, " We don't know where we are going, we just know God called, and where he calls, we go." Its up to this generation, to take it and run with what God wants. And I think that once we do, God is going to do way more amazing blessings then what he already has (and if you do think he hasn't given you blessings everyday, you’re wrong.) God is amazing, and I just pray that everyday would be a new day, and you would always learn something new about Christ, and that you would be richly blessed in Gods goodness.

I leave you with Colossians 1:9-14.

9For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. 10And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 11being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully 12giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you[d] to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. 13For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, 14in whom we have redemption,[e] the forgiveness of sins.

After reading this, I felt a sense of relief. I finally found something from that wretched page that showed some glimmer of who I really was. I really had repented and finally did what I was supposed to do. I did start really working for God then, and still continue to today. I know longer feel like I know everything, and I am learning as much as I can with a humble heart and trying to not let pride take over. I hope that in reading this today, that you yourself look back and see just how much God has changed you. And hopefully, when you do, you will understand this post just a little more and not be able to hide it either.

Looking For The Perfect Guy #BOOM

So, going to a Christian College is awesome in a lot of ways. One, because I get to study along side with people making an impact on the kingdom, two, because I get to see awesome things happen. For example, my roommate Ashely got baptized tonight! At the same time however, I get to hear and watch some crazy stuff Christians say and do. Especially when it comes to dating. So just for the fun of it, I thought I would post some stuff that I have found online that comes to us and the things we say about dating.

*DISCLAIMER* I am in no way saying that we are to act like this world when it comes to finding our match, this is meant to be a fun, and quirky post.

First, this is a video that my best friend, Tara found and showed me. Its great!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=My92oE9RwRE

Sorry that you will have to click on the link!

Second, after a quick Google search, I found the website pickuplinesgalore.com and they had a Christian section! So here are a few of my favorites:

1.For you, I'd slay two Goliaths.

2.My spiritual gift is my good looks...it lifts peoples spirits.

3.Girl, is this the transfiguration? Because you are glowing!

4.I used to believe in Natural Theology, until I met you. Now I believe in divine revelation.

5.I went on a beach mission trip, but all I ended up doing was mission you.

6.How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?

7.How would you like to join my Purpose Driven Life?

8.When I read Philippians 4:8, I think of you.

9.I believe one of my ribs belong to you.

10. It's obvious to me that you sprouted from the good kinda soil.

I got a good giggle out of finding these, and some of them had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

And thankfully, almost mercifully,not all Christian dating advice is like this.In fact, one of my favorite people, Bethany Jett, has a fantastic blog about dating and being Godly. Its brilliant, and the link is here. And that wonderful site is (drum roll please!)

esthersblessing.com

Seriously, it's awesome. And witty. And real. But you don't know until you go on it. So do it right now. I won't be offended that you leave my site to go to hers.

#boom,

Natalie

P.S. WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?! GO TO BETHANY'S SITE RIGHT NOW!

And Away We Go!

Hello friend!

I am so glad that you are on my site! So, I thought I would start my first post with a little story on why I decided to do this blog. This is not my first blog, but the other ones failed miserably. I am just not a writer, and if I got bored with the site, well it was gone. But this time its different.

I started going to college in August of 2011. At 23. yikes! When I graduated high school in 2006, I decided that a semester off before starting school was a good idea. I was wrong. That led me down a path of five years of feeling like an agonizing failure. I knew I was called to become a Children's Minister, and despite knowing that college was the best way to become that, I still made excuses not to go. It wasn't until I was at a camp with my youth group as a sponsor, where the speaker was talking about Children in Kenya and one child on a video that he showed changed my life.

The child's name was Kevin, and he said "Even though my house leaks, I'm hungry a lot, and that sometimes I don't have good days, I know that God loves me and that makes me happy." It may not seem like a lot, but Kevin opened my eyes to a burden in my heart that I had ignored for far too long. And that was that children need to hear about Jesus just as much as adults do. I knew from that point on there were no excuses. And luckily, I am blessed with an amazing big brother and sister in Christ, Justin and Bethany, and Christ, and they pushed me, in the best way possible, to better myself. I didn't think that I could possibly make it, and I made every excuse to not go. "I'm not smart enough." "I'm too shy." "I'm not the college type." but with the help of that pushing, Im here!

While I finally started college, I figured out that I am absolutely in love with my kitchen. I love to cook and bake, and I cook. a lot. And people would complement me, much to my surprise. I would experiment and also surprisingly, it turned out pretty decent.At the same time, I was on www.pinterest.com and they have tons of recipes, and often people "pin" things, and then wouldn't do them.In fact, it's kinda a joke in the pinning world. So I am changing that. Breaking the mold, if you would, and with discipline and some fun, this blog will be a success. Oh, and maybe I should mention this, but school is going great, and I am learning a whole lot, my shyness is still there, but breaking loose more and more each day. I hope that you enjoy this blog, and I will enjoy conducting some experiments in food and crafts and bringing you a fun, and informative site.

With faith, love, and food,

Natalie